he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
Randomize
