I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize
