Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
Randomize
