You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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