i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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