I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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