is your mom at the bar?
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
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