You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
LETS GO REDSKINS!
Quit drinking and watching your DVR, it's wednesday.
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
Randomize
