I'll bet she douches with gravy.
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
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