Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
My underwear smells like fireworks.
By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
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