I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
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