The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
