Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
Randomize
