My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
Randomize
