I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
it's like heaven, but drunker
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
Randomize
