i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
she has a miserable personality but its a good think you dont have sex with that
pussy has no personality
Amen to that
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
Randomize
