i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
we drove through mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu. We told the workers that were making Super Size Me 2, drove away without paying and told them to bill our producer.
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
A guy just picked up ur brother and carfied him away singing and im slight concern
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
Randomize
