Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
Randomize
