Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
sarah's view on last night: a threesome to make things less awkward. oh, well done.
Randomize
