The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
Having an 'SDSU Mom' sticker is just like say 'Hi, my daughter has an std"
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
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