Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
Yeah. I hotboxed a windbreaker.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
It's whatever. I just want to see his dick again
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
Randomize
