I never want to see another naked old woman again.
Why do all fat girls have "that smell"?
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
birth control should be required to get into college
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
