i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
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