Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
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