I just pynch a tree in the face
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
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