My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Randomize
