i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
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