I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
Randomize
