DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
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