is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
