When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
so exactly what is concert sex etiquette? Before, during or after???
all of the above
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
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