okay im going to go eat, shower and find underwear... call if you want.... but ill be listenig to glee VERY loudly.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
we are still finding bottels filled with his pee. tom almost drank the one in the frig
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Randomize
