I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
Yeaaaaa...im super disgusted with myself lol...which is interesting, considering all of the things I have done in my life...
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
Randomize
