Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
I realized that I've made out with a different boy almost every time we've gone to mcgoreys....I don't need a boyfriend...I have that bar
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
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