You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
Randomize