I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
Canada just beat USA, the sad part they still need us to make money so who really won
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
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