I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
whatever. as long as im no longer referred to as the girl who fucked the pledge on his big brother's couch.
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
Randomize
