I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
you mean i was at the winter classic?
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
I would compare it to a jeffrey but in smoothie form. More drugs in here than Bobby Brown's sock drawer.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
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