As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
Randomize
