Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
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