He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize
