That level of neurosis does not find love outside of Grey's Anatomy.
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
Holy sore nipples Batman
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
Randomize
