just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
I'm tired of the topic. I sent him a pic of my vagina to change it.
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
Randomize
