ya dads aren't the best wingmen
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
NO. ANAL IS NOT A GAME.
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
Do it break your family into faction start a civil war
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
Randomize
