just survived the first fart of the relationship.
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
I'm scared at the amount of beastiality in this conversation.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
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