and pubic hair rears its ugly head again
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
You'd love her. She's outspoken like us. And appreciates a big penis and a strong drink.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
Randomize
