hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
alll i remember is comming back downstairs, his pants were off and he was aplauding me
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
