The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
Id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures
so exactly what does one wear to an abortion clinic?
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
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