too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
Randomize
