I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
I don't see why you're so upset, it's not like you were wearing pants either.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
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