how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
i think i just naturally attract stoners
Randomize