Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
Well at least ssomeone is or the state is tafing over ir in twligiob
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
Randomize
