Two kids are drinking pounders in class. I think I'm hanging out with the wrong group of friends.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
