a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize