I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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