We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
I just heard an old guy ask the chick he was with if she wanted to try ass to mouth...
thanks for that.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
I don't think I can recall what a 23 year old cock felt like if one slapped me in the face.
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
Randomize
