She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Randomize
