I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
I would date him. For 1 month. Just so I could say I was a trap queen for 1 month.
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
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