I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
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