Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
Basically we had a threesome in one room and a fivesome in the next room. Its what I like to call a win win situation.
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