recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
fireball beer pong. youre missing out
how is that even possible?
ove gloves.
be there in ten.
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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