i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
what's not responsible about a pool full of beer?
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
Randomize
