one might say we're banned from that church
I puked off the balcony.
Not horrible
Into the hottub. There were six people in it. I had eaten all their pizza.
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
